This leaves us with buses, and oh dear. They really don’t work at all because they are simply too full of diseases and knives. No, really. The next time a bus goes by, have a look inside, and I guarantee that the passenger – there’s never more than one – will not be the sort of person you would allow within 500 feet of your front door.. Policemanists and ambulance drivers are allowed to drive fast in an emergency, so why not us too? You might think they are trained for this sort of thing and we’re not but the fact is, many aren’t. Constable Plod, whizzing about in his diesel Astra – he’s no more qualified to do 90 than Princess Anne.. Now this might just be acceptable if the car were small. But it’s chuffing massive. So big that it would not fit into the parking space in my local underground car park. I even struggled to fit it into a standard London meter bay. And to make matters worse, you cannot see any of the corners from the driver’s seat.. PS: Since finishing this piece, I’ve realized the Porsche actually gets no stars at all because it’s useless. Last Sunday the tyre went flat. There is no spare. And no depot carried anything that would fit.. Volkswagen High Up!. Really, it should come with a cattle prod and a device that tells the driver to pull over and get some bloody Red Bull down his neck. Sometimes I’d try to go a bit faster, but there seemed to be little reward, and as soon as I stopped concentrating I went back into Peugeot mode.. With a Ferrari, things are different. A 458 is not a purebred sports car. Oh God, it drives like one, but it’s also a singer and a model and an athlete. It’s a heptathlete with the lungs of Pavarotti and the face of an angel. So you can buy the convertible version because driving this car with the top down adds to the theatre and the pantomime. Who cares that you’re going 0.1 mph slower? You’re getting a tan.. Eventually, however, Volvo decided to stop making bad cars for useless drivers, so the incompetent and weak decided en masse
to switch to Rover. And again, this was good: see a 45 in the left lane, indicating left, and you knew not to assume it was actually going to turn left.. Volvo V40 D4 SE Nav. I tried to test some of the features, but so vigorous was the shaking that I gave up. I’d aim my finger at a button, but by the time it got there I’d have run over a bit of discarded chewing gum so it’d bounce off course and hit something else. Usually a bit of carbon fibre that had been added… to save weight.. And yet somehow, despite the power and the corpulence, it seems to have grip. You no longer have to countersteer every time you pull over to pick up a pint of milk. You can even get from one side of Guildford to the other without spinning.. BMW M6 Gran Coup?. All previous AMG Mercs make you feel as if you’re going faster than you really are. This one does the exact opposite.. Those of a green disposition were pleased because old cars produce a lot more carbon dioxides than new ones. Shiny-suited car salesmen were happy because they didn’t have to spend all day at work playing solitaire. You were happy because you got ?2,000 for a car that was worth just shy of ?7.50, and even the taxpayer was happy because, thanks to VAT, the government was earning more than it was giving away in subsidies. But the people wearing the biggest smiles of all were the Korean car makers: Kia and Hyundai.. Yes, in the late 1980s and early 1990s there was a problem with twockers, and kids on the Blackbird Leys estate in Oxford tearing hither and thither in other people’s hot hatchbacks. But that doesn’t happen any more. So complaining about it is like complaining about BT giving people party lines. And the quality of the recordings on Dial-a-Disc. And French 101 lavatories..