In the real world, BMW is working on yet another version of the Mini – it’ll be a two-door coup?. There will also be a handsome-looking new 6-series and a ?40,000 M version of what BMW calls the 135 coup?, even though it’s actually a saloon.. You might argue that the optional paint job, with checks on the roof and all sorts of slogans and symbols that would only make sense if they were splashed on the deck of a Nimitz-class aircraft carrier, is a bit stupid. But I disagree. They’re a laugh. I even like the warning above the petrol filler cap. ‘Caution. Attention’, it says. And why not?. Right. That’s the bad stuff out of the way. Now let’s get on to the good bits. Starting with the heater. Oh, the joy of being able to have warm feet and a cool face. Climate control is all very well but give me the simple Jensen setup any day.. Even the base models come with blue teeth and voice activation for the main controls. This doesn’t ever work, of course – like the iPod connector – but there are hours of fun to be had on long journeys asking the dashboard to do one thing and then wondering what it will do instead.. It’s been on sale in Britain before but now it’s back in two versions. Both are long wheelbase but one is from AMG and therefore has a supercharged V8, and the other is the one I’ve been driving for the past week, the G 350 Bluetec diesel.. Not so. In the past eight weeks I’ve been to India, Italy, America, China and Australia. And although all these places are huddled together on one tiny blue pinprick in the vastness of space, they might as well have been in different galaxies.. By this stage he was banging the table.‘I would bleed blue blood for Ford and I would strike down with furious anger those in Holdens who would attempt to poison my brothers. Holdens are the worst things on God’s green earth. The worst!’. And the sheer frivolity of a machine that has no practical purpose. Mid-engined cars make us priapic. Which is a good thing because they also tell the world that we haven’t had kids yet.. As they passed, many shouted abuse at me for daring to be there, stationary at a red light or cruising along at a mere 25 mph. Some banged on my doors. Some bared their teeth. It was awful and I considered carefully the idea of running one of them down. Maybe two.. Squeeze in, Queenie, there’s space next to Tom Cruise. And yet even that doesn’t have quite the appeal, somehow, of Merc’s new drive-by shooting brake. It’s not a sports car. It’s not really an estate. But, unlike anything else, it is a little bit of both.. It’s much the same story with the standard SLS AMG. Oh, sure, it has a carbon-fibre prop shaft that weighs only 4 kg and an engine that can read Latin. But you try going round a corner quickly. The tail will swing wide and pretty soon you’ll be making more smoke than a second world war destroyer.You’ll also be giggling like an infant.. This meant the counter-argument was put by a lunatic from a‘motoring’ organization who said that if the lights at pelicans were retuned to give old people time to cross the road, it would be bad for the economy. At that point I switched over to Radio 4.. I parked yesterday between two of the damn things in a London square, and because they were so wide I couldn’t open my door, which meant I was stuck inside, being forced to listen to Vine’s callers phoning up to moan about secondary picketing.. Although it’s largely made from carbon fibre, it’s a heavy car, and it gets all bolshie and uninterested when you push it hard. The tyres don’t last very well either. After three laps they lose their bite and you end up with 300 yards of dreary understeer. And the gearbox, a smooth-changing automatic, doesn’t much like to be hurried. Taking this car on a track? It’s as wrong as playing rugby in a dinner jacket..