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Another notable thing in Australia is a fanatical approach to health and safety. There are more speed cameras than people, and if you wish to go snorkelling you must dress up in a giant nylon all-in-one. This means no part of your skin, including hands, feet and face, is in contact with the water, and so you cannot get stung by a box jellyfish.. But, that said, the GT-R is a proper four-seater and it has a boot into which you could fit many things. It is also surprisingly quiet and remarkably comfortable, even on a traditional potholed British road. Of course, there’s a harshness to the feel, a sound that hints at the racetrack, but there’s no volume. And I like that.. This week I drove the new and completely insane Mercedes C 63 Black Series. It is a car designed and built specifically to eat its own tyres. One set lasted just twenty-five minutes. I absolutely loved the madness of the thing. It’s a hoot. But for life in the real world? No. I’d rather have a Range Rover. I’m not alone, either. Just recently I was at the home of a leading light of what theDaily Mail calls the Chipping Norton set. Fourteen couples were present, and every single one of them had turned up in a Range Rover.. There is no equivalent of this in China, although it seems there are two very different types of Chinese motorist. You have the rich ones, who buy expensive European cars that they drive as fast as they’ll go, and the not-so-rich ones, who buy Trumpchis and Roewes and dither about at junctions, terrified that they are about to be mown down by a twelve-year-old in a 140 mph Range Rover Sport.. Well, dream on, because the new 911 is a geek’s fantasy. Every component can be tuned while you’re on the move to deliver something different, and there are now two read-outs on the dash telling you what gear you’re in. Which seems a bit odd in a manual. I know I’m in third. I just moved the lever.. There are more good things, chief among which is the comfort. This particular model may be called Sport but it’s no such thing. It’s a cruiser, a big, soft old Hector that irons speed bumps into oblivion and soothes its occupants to the point where they need to be reminded with a bit of wheel judder if they nod off and stray out of lane. In this regard it out-Range-Rovers a Range Rover.. It has a satnav you can understand and a Bluetooth system that can play your music. There’s no lunacy at all in the way this car works, and once you’re out of town, the flappy-paddle gearbox is an utter delight.. Yes, there are people who can tell not just Bach from Chopin, but also what orchestra they’re listening to and even what conductor is in charge. But for people with jobs and friends? No. It’s all just bars and tone.. Actually, to be fair, the promoter did see a reason.‘There are only three of you,’ he said. ‘We don’t need three coaches. We could go in a van.’ But we were

most insistent. One would have ‘Top’ on the side. One would have ‘Gear’. And one would have ‘Live’.. The MG6 offers an experience that is nothing like that. It may say MG on the rump but it is as far removed from its predecessors as you are from an amoeba. It’s a carrier bag with a Coco Chanel badge. And I think that’s rotten.. There’s more too. Before the car arrived, a chap at Citro?n sent me a text saying that it was the world’s only genuine five-seat convertible – apart from the woeful Jeep Wrangler – that its boot was almost twice as big as the boot in a Mini convertible and that the roof could be opened at up to 74 mph. It all sounded good.. I came down the M1 last Sunday evening, and I think I’m right in saying that I have never been in a situation on any road anywhere in the world that was quite so dangerous. Because all of a sudden the pushy, dynamic people were stuck, and the car in front could neither speed up, because it was being driven by a mouse, nor pull over, because everyone was doing 50, so all three lanes were clogged.. But then, carried by the current of his tiny mind, and by impulses over which he has no control, he will slither into Dixons to have a look at all the new machines that beep when you push their buttons. It doesn’t matter if the passenger is late and doing that half-run businessman thing. He will still go to Dixons. Nor does it matter if he’s naked and plainly in need of some new trousers. He will still consider a quick browse in gadget central to be more important. Hungry? Thirsty? Minutes to live? None of these things will get between a man and his need to examine the latest GoPro camera.. Those of a green disposition were pleased because old cars produce a lot more carbon dioxides than new ones. Shiny-suited car salesmen were happy because they didn’t have to spend all day at work playing solitaire. You were happy because you got ?2,000 for a car that was worth just shy of ?7.50, and even the taxpayer was happy because, thanks to VAT, the government was earning more than it was giving away in subsidies. But the people wearing the biggest smiles of all were the Korean car makers: Kia and Hyundai.. Then there was the Lada Riva. It was originally designed by Fiat when Ben-Hur was still the star attraction in Rome – I mean the actual Ben-Hur, not Charlton Heston – and the design rights were sold to Lada, which promptly didn’t develop it at all. Why should they? There was a thirty-year waiting list at home, there was no competition and there were plenty of people in Britain who’d buy one because ofits numberplate..

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