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I know that people in a focus group will tell the inquisitors in the polo-neck jumpers that they would like their next car to be‘sporty’ because that’s the motoring dream and has been since Christopher Plummer roared away from the battle of Britain in his zesty MG. But in reality, sportiness is a pain in the backside.. I hated that car. It had the sort of face you wanted to punch. And because it was‘happy’, it was bought by the sort of people who were never in much of a hurry. I’d love to know how much of my life has been stolen by Nissan and its Micra experiment. One day, I may send it a bill.. I was such a big fan ofMinder, I had my wedding reception at a place called the Winchester. I even hired‘Dave’ to be the barman. And then got very cross when guests called him Glynn and asked what it was like to have starred inZulu. He’s not Corporal Allen. He’s Dave and it’s his job to get you a large VAT.. Unfortunately, like nearly everything powered by ones and noughts, it sounds brilliant but it doesn’t quite work. You start the game. It tells you it’s searching for other people in the world. It finds some. It does some electronic wizardry. And then it says the connection has been lost. So you go through the process again. And then again. And then again. And then you have a game of Scrabbleinstead.. Now, however, there’s a revamped model. It has a restyled bonnet and tweaked front end and new gills in the front wings. It looks fine, but outside a red carpet event it doesn’t look quite as fine as the BMW 5-series or the Audi A6. Somehow they look more modern and more expensive.. Chevrolet Orlando 1.8 LTZ. Until quite recently it was pretty easy to run the public relations department of a car company. You organized foreign jollies for journalists, you got one of them to translate the vehicle’s publicity pack into something close to English and then you ran a fleet of press demonstrators.. I’m sorry, but how did this happen? The courtiers and the advisers left no stone unturned to ensure protocol was followed and dignity maintained. Mrs Queen, for instance, did not clap at the end of that ethnic song in the concert. The Duchess of Cambridge’s chapel hat pegs were kept in check. The red carpets were just so, and the show went on even when the archbishop’s much talked-about global warming lashed the flotilla with icy winds and torrential rain. And yet when someone suggested the minor royals be ferried about, under the watchful gaze of an admiring world, in a fleet of vans, someone said, ‘Yeah. OK.’. The 208 is actually smaller on the outside than the car it replaces – the dreadful 207 – but inside, it’s bigger. So big, in fact, that there was space in the back, with the rear seats folded, for three dogs, one of which was larger than a diplodocus. Other things? Well, it was quiet and comfortable and the visibility was good.. The handling’s good, which is due in no small part to what is basically an electronic differential that tames the driven front wheels and allows you to drive like an ape, stamping on the throttle when really you shouldn’t.. You buy a Ferrari because you think it makes you look interesting, rich and attractive. You buy one because you like the feel of the thing, or the styling, or the cut of the salesman’s jib. You buy one so, at night, when it’s dark and you’re feeling worthless, you can say to yourself, ‘But I have a Ferrari.’ And you will feel better. I know. I’ve been there.. I suppose I should point out that in Britain today the Corolla is actually sold as the Auris. No idea why. Seems to me like Apple changing its name to Pazizzle. But I was interested to find out what it might be like driving around in a car that was deliberately designed to be as uninteresting as possible.. When the F-type went back to Jaguar, I took the trouble of borrowing a Porsche Boxster for a couple of days. This is also a two-seat soft-top and no one has said that it drives badly in any way. Quite the reverse. Its grip and handling have been much praised. And yet despite this it can go over speed bumps, manhole covers and bits of grit without causing the driver to suffer pain.. However, last week it all went wrong, because I was driving a Peugeot 2008 Cross Dresser. And that, in the car park at Westfield, is the bottom of the food chain. It is the speck that insects eat. So you have to give way to absolutely everyone and then you must park in the loser lane, miles from the shops.. Either way, I was a menace that night, getting far too close to the car in front in a stupid and dangerous attempt to scare the f****** b****** into getting out of my f****** way..